That's not a hedge line, is it?
"I think I'd enjoy a sequel more", I once said, with regards to Medieval: Total War. "Oh yeah? Go on, then" replies the 1001 list, shoving Medieval II: Total War into view.
Sequel to the first game, obviously, Medieval II brings the middle ages into the modern ages with the new 3D engine first seen in the last outing, Rome: Total War. I've never gotten into these strategy games, but if I said I thought I'd enjoy a sequel more, I better at least play the sequel to find out, right?
Fun Times
I'm playing the Definitive Edition of Medieval II, though I'm not too sure what makes it definitive beyond the title. Includes a bunch of extras I'll never get around to playing, no doubt. Anyway, as the storm clouds have foretold, the world has gone all fighty. When will we learn?
Heading into the tutorial, a scribe sets the scenes before the Battle of Hastings. Who has the strongest claim to the English throne? History would tell us that... one of these guys grabbed the crown. Good for them. I'm clearly not up to speed on my history. We're going to be playing as the Normans here, which makes us rather French.
An uninspiring cutscene has Rufus here inform King William of Normandy that the time to strike is now. Total War as a series is very much not about cutscenes. Don't let these sparse scenes and strange voice acting fool you otherwise.
It's still not an inspirational speech, m'lord. None of this feels like the fate of England is at stake here. It sounds like we've gathered in a field to reenact the Battle of Hastings for an old TV series if anything. No, not Time Commanders...
These bits of dialogue aside, it's starting to look more like a Total War game now, with armies forming up on hills and outside forests, waiting for their time to strike. It seems King Harold has the high ground, and we're French, so this tutorial will have to be good for us to see something come of it, surely.
Let's get stuck in.
Let's not get stuck in. Can't charge into battle without knowing how to order units and pan the camera around, can we?
I imagine very little has changed here between Rome and Medieval II. Select units with left clicks, issue orders with right clicks, fine-tune everything with menu icons that I'm sure make sense but I don't yet know what anything means.
You'll be commanding armies like you usually do in a Total War game, and they'll all have their own strengths and weaknesses, their previous orders may have made them fatigued, their current situation may have hit their morale, you get the idea.
After proving ourselves worthy, the King invites us back into the fight where we can finish these Saxons off.
The switch to a 3D engine does make Medieval II stand out much more, thousands of men armed with various weapons ready to charge in at your command. Was the real Battle of Hastings held under such sunny skies? What would a battle be like in howling rain, when units have to wade through piles of bodies staining the mud red? That's the game I want to see.
Maybe not play. You need to manage a fair bit in Medieval II. You can pause and cue up a load of orders to your entire army, but that doesn't feel right.
Somewhere in there (well, at the back, cowering) is Rufus, the potential future King of England, barking out orders to archers, sending pikemen into friendly archer fire, shouting at archers to stop firing on their own mates... It just feels like these games should be teetering on the edge of utter chaos, though that's probably just how I play it.
Huh, the French one. Well done. Of course, actual battles in Medieval II will be a rather more involved affair - you'll be in them from the start, for example, rather than sent away to brush up on your camera control - but this gives you a nice flavour of things to come.
Frustrations
Oh, Lord no. No, not this again. I can't be down with this. I understand, historically, England wasn't taken in a day, but I really, really, really don't want to faff around with siege engines and bloody marching and I don't know what else. I guess I favour the 'war' part of Total War. The highlight reel. Not that we should ever describe war like that, of course.
This campaign map will have you raise and organise armies, construct buildings in your cities, defend your lands from invaders. Thankfully, though, I learned of that outside of Medieval II, because I couldn't work out how to stick Rufus on a bloody boat and sail back to Normandy. In a tutorial, remember.
Actually frustrated after a day of Windows updates, I just wanted to play a game, win or lose. I didn't want to have to Google why I couldn't get passed the tutorial.
Medieval II was swiftly abandoned at this point. The entire campaign management rubbish had put me off ever wanting to pick it up again.
Final Word
And that's sad, because at some point, in some game, I do want to sling a massive army at another massive army, just to see the carnage. I'm not a commander. My troops will not come out of it in one piece. But I want to experience the chaos of issuing commands on the fly, adapting to changing battlefield conditions, panicking when I see my front line running the wrong way without their weapons...
I could just play a skirmish or one-off battle, yes, I could. I should have, in fact, to give Medieval II a bit more of a chance. I couldn't get on a boat, though. How's that for a first impression to sour the taste of picking it up again?
I can't tell you one way or another whether this is worth playing. I suspect it is, and I'm just being my usual stupid self. But it is much more of the same. Alright, set a thousand years after Rome: Total War, but you're still doing the same things, it just has a new coat of paint.
This isn't the last Total War title on the 1001 list, however. I may, finally, put in some kind of effort to play that one for a reasonable length of time. Maybe. I ought to, really.
Fun Facts
Critics note the pathfinding bugs that may spoil the gameplay for you. Whey! More chaos! Just have to get around to having an actual fight one of these days...
Medieval II: Total War, developed by Creative Assembly, first released in 2006.
Version played: Medieval II: Total War Definitive Edition, PC, 2006.