Wii Sports Resort

You're really going to need the wrist strap.

Source // Nintendo

I was fairly certain that I hadn't played the original Wii Sports until 2020, some fourteen years after its release, and if that was the case for the entertainment juggernaut that was Wii Sports, what do you think happened with its MotionPlus enhanced sequel, Wii Sports Resort? Did I see the error of my ways and seek to correct my poor judgement as soon as possible?

Hell no. I didn't get around to experiencing the insane overhaul until 2020 when I played a whole bunch of Nintendo Wii titles to get them out of the way before the batteries died and I keeled over from exhaustion.

Most active weekend of the year, that gaming session...

NBA 2K10

Someone say something about Tuesday nights?

Source // PlayStation

Basketball. That's a much better sport than golf. Keeps itself out of the countryside, played on a small and impossibly squeaky court under a million light bulbs, and instead of having to purchase an entire set of clubs that you can't tell the difference between, you simply have to be lucky enough to have been born with a few extra feet in height, ensuring that everybody can play some B-ball.

I've played some basketball. Wasn't very good. I've played some basketball video games too and actually played them long before this 1001 list introduced them to us. Again, I wasn't very good. I've never owned a basketball ball game. I've only just played them.

But now I own NBA 2K10, picked up secondhand from the electronics store because for some reason I had completely overlooked its existence on this 1001 list. Whoops.

Tiger Woods PGA Tour 10

Can the Gophers have their holes back?

Source // Giant Bomb

I think I'm right in saying that Tiger Woods PGA Tour 10 is the last golf game on this 1001 list. Wii Sports Resort might have a take on golf, but it has takes on everything, so that doesn't really count. Tiger Woods here is the last chance the sport has of convincing me that it deserves to exist.

Harsh words, perhaps, and probably unwarranted, as skimming over the many golf games the 1001 list has thrown up has lead me to believe that I am, in fact, fine with golf as a game, so long as it is on the more cartoony side of things. Golfing sims can get out of here.

If PGA Tour 10 is aiming for realism, there's a strong chance I'll not like it. Who makes it? EA Sports? Ah. Well, let's just pad out this foregone conclusion a little bit more, shall we?

Skate 2

Blaow!

Source // PlayStation

Do you know the reason why so many folks have been trying to get EA to do Skate 4? Skate 2.

You'd think it'd be because of the Skate series in general, but after Skate 3 took things a little too far, and then absolutely nothing interesting happened in the world of skateboarding video games for the next decade, players wanted a return to the kind of sports game that was a breath of fresh air, refined a little.

That's a long way of saying Skate was great, but Skate 2 was the bee's knees, the dog's danglies, the shit, so to speak.

The Flickit system was back and better than ev- oh, I'm sorry. Let's introduce the Flickit system for those of you who only know of Tony Hawk's Pro Skater...

The Sims 3

Reddage!

Source // Steam

My history with The Sims series has been minimal at best. The Sims has never grabbed my attention. I've never seen the point in playing it, I don't know what the fuss is about, but do enjoy your digital dolls house without me, I'm fine over here, thanks.

It wasn't until playing The Sims 2 for this 1001 list the way it was meant to be played - as a joke - that I started to get an idea of why people spend hours and hours in this absurd life simulation. But even then, I know for sure I didn't pass the hour mark and would bet I barely got to 30 minutes before calling it quits.

So how will The Sims 3 fare? I know how it's meant to be played now: with absolutely no semblance of sense or purpose. The playground is ready and waiting... and so is the rest of the neighbourhood.

Operation Flashpoint: Dragon Rising

Solid copy.

A couple of years ago, but an awfully long way back through the 1001 list, we went to war in the grandfather of military sims, now known as ARMA, then known as Operation Flashpoint. It was an experience, and one that I knew I wouldn't be any good at, but was glad to have played.

The lineage of Operation Flashpoint splits in two shortly after that game. Original developers Bohemia Interactive Studio go their own way, deep into the simulation side of things with ARMA, and publishers Codemasters wait a few years before reviving the brand with a more accessible, though still simulation-based, Operation Flashpoint: Dragon Rising.

If you, like me, think ARMA is something to try, but mind-boggling to get into, Dragon Rising might just be for you.

Need for Speed: Shift

You're nothing if you're not racing in the World Tour. Nothing.

In stark contrast to Race Pro's engine-focused offering comes Need for Speed: Shift, a complete package of a racing simulator and attractive (though now a little dated) menu design wrapped up around a career mode that spans multiple disciplines that you actually want to try out. Sorry, Race Pro.

Fancy graphics and design can only go so far, though. If your cars suck to drive, it doesn't matter what your career mode looks like, and the Need for Speed name is at stake here. Sort of. It's been bounced around several different racing genres, for better or worse.

Okay, maybe it's not at stake, but it comes with a certain quality. Will it be on show in Shift?

Race Pro

Actually not a working title.

Source // Giant Bomb

Growing up, my idea of a racing simulator was Gran Turismo, but as this 1001 has taught me, there's a much deeper world of race sims out there, and they've got solid ground on which to drive their arguments for being better simulators.

Some of the notable highlights I've been introduced to are GT Legends for some old school authenticity, and GTR 2 for a more modern track day outing, both powering their way to the PC from SimBin Studios, and both getting me to consider putting more time and effort into unlocking their content through their respective career modes.

At some point in the late 2000s, when the consoles got beefier and the potential to make more money elsewhere was mighty tempting, it was time for the PC racing simulators to come into the living room and show players what they were missing by only playing Gran Turismo or Forza Motorsport. What were Xbox 360 gamers missing? Race Pro.

Yeah, its name hardly inspires, does it? It's what under the hood that counts, though, right?

MLB 09: The Show

Bottom of the 9th? Is that a thing?

Source // PlayStation

We've all got our favourite sports, but baseball is never one of them. How could it be? It's an absolute bore. It's so boring that rather than playing MLB 09: The Show, I instead want to try and work out at what point a ball sport becomes interesting, and whether the size of the ball has anything to say about it.

Football is great, Golf sucks. Basketball is cool, Tennis absolutely isn't. Snooker, somehow, is better than Rugby, but American Football is probably better than Snooker.

While I mull that over, let's whizz through a game of MLB 09.

NHL 10

TF is a Deke?

Source // PlayStation

Here's how much interest I have in Ice Hockey: I've just had to delete my entire opening paragraph about demo discs because I had forgotten that this very 1001 list introduced us to NHL Hockey way back on the Sega Mega Drive.

Back then, I fumbled my way through a game against the Italians, who haven't seen ice in their lives, as the Canadians, who come out of the womb with a natural understanding of what a puck even is. Couldn't tell you how I won, but I can tell you that I've not played nor watched Ice Hockey since.

But here we are again, some twenty years later with NHL 10, the latest (at the time of the 1001 list, of course) offering from EA Sports, and you know what that means - the menus will look pretty much the same as FIFA and NFL, the modes will be the same, the names on the back of the shirts will be correct, and I'll have no chance.

Can't wait.

Little King's Story

For the King?

Source // Nintendo

We've all been there. We've all dreamed about ruling the world with an iron fist. It'd always be a better place if we were in charge, bossing the citizens around like the little tyrants we are. But we've never quite had a game that gives us that same feeling.

Sure, we can be powerful warriors that might as well be rulers, or command grand armies, and even build entire cities, but nothing captures the daydreams of a young kid quite like Little King's Story, a game described as - brace yourselves - a real-time strategy life simulation role-playing game for the Nintendo Wii.

Give me the crown already.

Football Manager 2010

Let's be having you?

Football. What a sport.

I'd say I follow it, but following requires a bit of effort. I'd say I'm a fan, but I don't go around parading my allegiances anywhere, even if it's perfectly fine to support Liverpool these days (or perhaps was, until they started playing like the Liverpool I grew up with - losing).

I've been to very few live matches mostly because of having absolutely no desire to go. You get a better view at home, in the warm, away from the racists who think their own team's players are absolute dog-shite, what are you doing, you pillock, my nan could have scored from there.

Football fans who think they could do a better job than the players on the pitch, and especially the manager on the touchline, are just the worst. I'm sorry, but you are. Luckily for you, though, Football Manager 2010 exists so that you can have a go at being the boss in the comfort of your own home.

Please. Only have a go in your own home.

Bonsai Barber

Currently closed due to the vegetable equivalent of COVID.

What does the Wii remote remind you of? A sword-hilt? A tennis racket handle? What about just using it without much of an imaginary thing sticking out of the end, like it was a pair of clippers? But hairdressing isn't terribly exciting, is it? We can't make a game about cutting hair.

What about cutting vegetables and hedges?

And thus, Bonsai Barber appeared for Wii owners the world over to get clipping and trimming in the safety of a virtual environment. Why? I have no idea.

Spore

Damn nature, you scary.

Games have allowed players to create all kinds of things - simulations of their lives, the cities they want to live in, the vehicles they want to drive, hospitals, theme parks, and zoos. If you had a creative itch, there was probably a game that could scratch it.

But what about creating the entire evolutionary tree of an interstellar lifeform? What game caters for that? What game starts us off in some chemical soup before allowing us to guide the hand of evolution towards a space-faring civilization?

Spore does. Let's see how intelligent this designer is...

Afrika

Bless the rains.

Source // PlayStation

The closest I've ever come to an African Safari is whatever the BBC Natural History Unit decides is worth sitting in the blistering heat for years on end with an HD camera to capture and preserve for Sir David Attenborough to narrate over.

Wildlife you've never heard of performing extraordinary feats of survival in some of the harshest conditions for life there is on this planet. Wildlife you have heard of, personified and made relatable. Wildlife, out in the wilderness, minding its own business while we marvel at it all.

From my computer desk, I can glance out of the window and see the wilderness of a weed-covered patio, the odd bird hopping around P2's elaborate feeder, now overgrown with neglect because it's bloody cold out there this time of year. I could never see one animal hunt another unless the cats get lucky. I can't see anything big or bouncy or goofy looking, unless, again, the odd fat cat wanders through.

What I need is a digital safari. A hunt where the only shooting you'll do is through your camera, and where the playground is an entire continent. I need Afrika.

Wii Sports

Wear the strap, damnit.

Source // MobyGames

Wii Sports. Wii. Sports. In late, late 2006, it must have felt like this was the only game that existed, as families - not just gamers, families - across the world played sports with the motion controls of the Nintendo Wii, the console for everybody, and the one with the gimmicks the others didn't have.

I was never interested in the Wii. I didn't care that I was 'missing out' on anything. I was having my own good time with the PS3, thank you very much. If I wanted a party game, I'd know where to go, but I never wanted a party game either. And so, basically, I'm playing Wii Sports for the very first time in 2020.

At least, I can't remember a single instance of me playing at any point before now. Did I have one incredibly quick game at some point? I don't think I did, you know. 2020 then. What better year to play sports indoors, on a TV?

Virtua Tennis 3

New balls, please.

Source // MobyGames

I'm not a fan of tennis. I've already said that in the previous tennis games we've played on this 1001 list, going all the way back to Super Tennis on the SNES. It's just not a sport that excites me, and so any video game adaptation has a hard time to win me over - with the exception of silly tennis games, I guess. Mario Power Tennis, perhaps.

The next game to try is Virtua Tennis 3. From the looks of it, there's not a lot of silly happening here.

Slaves to Armok II: Dwarf Fortress

"All I see is blonde, brunette, redhead..."

Source // Wikipedia

Do you like Rogue but want more? NetHack not enough for you? Do you want all the empty, black spaces on your terminal screen to be full - absolutely crammed full - of characters you didn't even know were in the ASCII standard? And do you then want that fantasy world to be staggeringly huge, span a good few hundred years of simulated history, and be incomprehensible, nonsensical, yet insanely detailed, all at the same time?

Then you might - might, mind - be looking for Slaves to Armok: God of Blood Chapter II: Dwarf Fortress, or Slaves to Armok II: Dwarf Fortress, or better yet, Dwarf Fortress, the game that is almost literally like no other.

There are games you dread to start up, games you fear setting eyes upon, and then there is Dwarf Fortress, as impenetrable to new players as a good fortress should be. This post is going to be something, alright, but I know for sure it won't be useful.

Trauma Center: Second Opinion

Ping!

Source // Moby Games / Nintendo

A short while ago I said that using a stylus was a great input method for a game like Trauma Center. It'd make no sense to play it with a controller, I said. 

"But what about a motion controller?", says Trauma Center: Second Opinion, the second game in the series, making the leap from the Nintendo DS to the Nintendo Wii. I don't know, Second Opinion. I imagine it makes a bit of sense. Shall we find out?

Source // Moby Games / Nintendo

Viva Piñata

Get that shovel away from me...

Source // Moby Games

Gardening. We're not all fans of it, that's for sure. I'm quite happy to look at a garden and enjoy the life within, but getting out there and maintaining it... Nah. I let nature take its course. Which is why I spent the precious few moments of sunshine yesterday indoors, tending to a virtual garden full of strange little cartoony critters in Viva Piñata.

Battered shovels at the ready, because we're about to create a thriving ecosystem in our digital backyard.