It is the age of empires, and Empire: Total War puts you in the driving seat of another grand army or two for you to hurl across a field towards your enemy. Have we learned enough to actually know what to do with all these units yet? Will the management sim stuff continue to get in the way?
I hope not, because this is a period of history I'm a little drawn to, and we're about to command our own ships of the line.
Fun Times
I don't know what it is about the Royal Navy from this slice of the British Empire that interests me. Maybe it's all thanks to Nelson and his successes, or perhaps it's because I think Master and Commander deserved more.
Either way, vast wooden ships blowing huge chunks out of each other in a desperate contest of who can survive the longest has an appeal, and Total War finally offers players a chance to do just that with Empire.
Painfully slow movement that requires turning huge ships into and out of the wind? Check. Agonizingly long waits while your cannons reload and get set to fire just when the moment is right? Check. The chaos of having to react to the enemy's movement so as to not expose too much of your own ship, but at the same time still try and retain the upper hand and control on the situation? Check.
Chain shot, grapeshot, broadsides and even boarding, Empire: Total War gives budding admirals a chance to show their naval intellect, or sink trying. The ships are even modelled with input from the National Museum of the Royal Navy (if I recall correctly), so the level of detail - while you can't zoom right into the deck - is more than enough to get you engaged.
Naval tutorial out of the way, and land tutorial not bothered with, because I'm sure I can wing it on that side of things, I hopped into the single-player campaign, and it looks like we're about to become American.
If you can read the subtitles we're in Jamestown, VA, back in the 1600s when the British first settled here, defending themselves from the native tribes who very clearly already have a stake in this land. We've got guns, they've got axes, this should be a formality, but I'm sure I'll find a way to take some heavy losses here.
Like previous Total War games, the action will unfold before your eyes in real-time, any changes to your army happening on the fly and taking however long it takes to get done. Reloading? Absolutely ages. Reforming the front line? Also a long time, especially if you point them in the wrong direction.
What happens at each and every second that you're tinkering with your army, telling them whether they're allowed to fire at will or not? You're getting attacked.
Frustrations
And you know how Total War likes to do that by now: it's time for the empire management simulator.
This is the one aspect of the Total War series that I really don't like, and it is, of course, much of the point of the Total War series. We do big battles, yes, but in between the battles is the nitty-gritty of raising armies and making sure you still have an empire worth fighting for.
Here, we've got to build some farms and a port, and generally start to turn Jamestown into something worth coming all the way across the Atlantic for, but I don't have that compulsion in me.
If this was a city builder, sure, I might make an effort, but this isn't a city builder, it's a real-time strategy war simulator. You can't even decide where to put your farm, or port, or anything. The game only cares whether you have them or not.
As time progresses, we discover some neighbours that need convincing that we're actually in charge here, and to do that we need to raise some more troops, paying someone from a pot of money I've still not actually found to chuck us a few troops so that we can get fighting.
The next chapter saw Jamestown expand to the point where the British needed the help of the natives to kick the French out of the country, so we're introduced to all the diplomatic stuff, agreeing to trade, sharing each other's military assets and so on.
I continue to have so little care for this stuff that I don't ask the natives for support, march to a nearby French fort with overwhelming numbers, forget to fight properly once again, and lose to an enemy force that was probably well defended and entrenched, what with being in a fort full of cannons.
I was done with the campaign. Total War games are about the battlefields. Let's get back onto them in some skirmishes, and why not start with the seas?
Unbelievably, the Pirates start off in a line, but I find the idea of sailing side-by-side and decimating your foes in an orderly fashion to be absolutely bonkers, so I form up in three lines which near-instantly lose their shape as I tell everyone to home in on the first pirate and fire at will.
Carnage soon follows, ships lumbering in place, incapable of moving with any speed on account of the wind, or the amount of damage they've sustained, or the fact that they're currently on fire or their captain has decided that fleeing is one of the better choices they could make right now.
An impressive showing of the might of the Royal Navy this is not, but an accurate one it probably is. Issuing commands to multiple ships is as quick as you clicking what you need to click, but having them set sail to enact those orders is like watching paint dry.
We're used to seeing flashy action scenes where everything is blowing up and everyone is shouting, often in agony, as the camera shakes and smoke fills the frame, but Empire and its birds-eye view of the situation highlights the uneasy tension so much more.
You can't expect a ship of the line to turn on the spot, nor have its cannons ready instantly, or be able to fend off attacks from multiple directions. It is a heavily armed sitting duck, entirely dependant on the skill of its crew, of all ranks, and with a bit of luck on their side.
A slim margin of victory, but one that taught those pirates a lesson. Ships that have given up the will to fight can, in the campaign, be claimed and taken over, absorbed into your navy to serve once more. I wonder if all of my ships that gave up will realize that, actually, it's worth sticking in the fight. Might win by a bigger margin if you do...
That these games take the human side of combat into account is nice. Troops get scared. They flee. A strong commander can influence them to stay against the odds, as we shall now (not) demonstrate.
My second mistake was thinking that an early cavalry charge would work wonders against the British flank, but after a few seconds of fighting, the cavalry decided they had enough, and turned and fled, never to return.
With no plan (was that obvious?), I marched whatever I had left forward. The British were doing pretty much the same, so why not? All down the line, be it at rifle or bayonet range, the armies were slugging away at each other, flags waving, puffs of smoke hanging in the air, units desperate to reload before getting shot themselves. It wasn't pretty, though the graphics are actually nice to look at.
told, but I highly doubt that. My unit would no longer be able to inspire those nearby to stop running and fight harder - not that I used the ability in the first place. I don't even think I moved myself separately to the rest of my army. Did I say I was a bad commander?
Another close battle, but inevitably not one that ended in my favour. Another Total War loss, but then that's a given with me at this point. Doesn't matter which era I fight in, what grand army I command, which units I have to make use of, the strategy escapes me the very second the war kicks off, and for a war game, that's not going to take me very far.
Final Word
In another world, Empire: Total War would be a go-to game. The time period is even better than the Roman or Medieval periods we've seen in the series before, the graphics are getting better and better at depicting the unfolding action, and the inclusion of naval combat allows you to do something similar, but rather different.
In this world, however, I am an incompetent strategist, a rubbish commander, and so hungry for war that peaceful coexistence with my neighbours doesn't even enter my mind. Build the bloody farm on your own, just let me fight someone.
I am still the wrong player for a Total War game, but they do still get my head to turn just a little. There is a lot to dive into here, and you could spend tens of hours taking your empire through grand campaigns where you feel every costly mistake where it hurts the most, but have to carry on regardless, emerging with stories of heroic last-ditch efforts and counter-attacks that changed an entire battle.
But to get there requires some effort. You just can't go into a game of Total War and think you'll do okay. War doesn't work like that, I guess, and until I overcome that aspect, these Total War games will always have a barrier to entry: me.
If the setting or the gameplay appeals, even just a little, I encourage you to give it a go. I want to give it more of a go, but I know that I just won't get very far. It's all too much for my little head, but it might be spot on for yours.
Fun Facts
Fifty factions of the era can be found in Empire, though only eleven are playable, and eight of those have their own region-specific box art for collectors to hunt down.
Empire: Total War, developed by Creative Assembly, first released in 2009.
Version played: Total War: EMPIRE - Definitive Edition, PC, 2018.