After playing Frequency, I warned you all that I had no intention of tracking down a plastic guitar for the sake of authenticity when playing future rhythm games. After Amplitude, I questioned just how anybody could enjoy music and rhythm games when their favourite songs get butchered by misplaced inputs and poor timing.
And now we're finally here. Guitar Hero. Where hitting buttons at the right time isn't enough. You've got to stand up and rock as well.
Ugh.
Fun Times
I'm emulating Guitar Hero, and at this point in the intro video, it soft locked, and I was overjoyed. "It's broken! I guess I can't play it. That'll be that", I thought. But no. I can't do that. I reset and skipped the video. I haven't played Guitar Hero in any form. I refuse to. I wasn't interested in picking up a real guitar at any point in my life, so why would I be interested in strapping into a fake one?
But that's exactly the gimmick with Guitar Hero. One plastic guitar, coloured buttons, a strummer thingy, wild hair optional. If you don't have one, you can use a controller instead. But you won't get the full experience, will you? And you want the full experience, don't you?
Frustrations
So, I'm emulating and using an Xbox controller, but the gameplay is the same. Notes will scroll down along the... fretboard... and when they hit the bottom, you need to 'strum' that note. In my case, click and/or hold the appropriate shoulder button.
As this is a game, there is a campaign for you to work your garage band up from the bottom, clawing your way to the top of the charts or whatever it is the plot has you do - I've no intention of finding out. There is also a small selection of songs for you to just play, half of which I recognise, and therefore have some hope of mimicking.
Let's bump the difficulty up a little and get sedated.
Ok, didn't know that one as much as I thought. Let's go with an absolute classic.
Yeah, this is more like it. Could notes be any clearer than those in Iron Man? Through the odd blip of slowdown, I'm able to keep up with Ozzy and get my rock on. Is that the expression? Whatever. The better you do, the higher your score multiplier, and the greater you rock. You could have guessed that. How else would you score a rhythm game?
You don't see a lot of these visuals when playing, of course, your focus on the bottom of the screen. The other people waiting for their turn to play - you do have other people around you waiting to play Guitar Hero, right? - will be able to marvel at the plastic, cartoon-proportioned rockstars under the dazzling lights. They're basic, sure, but they're not the main attraction. The gameplay is the sole reason you play a Guitar Hero game, isn't it?
I eventually found the button to unleash my star power upon songs. I'm not sure what it does, but it's blue and looks radical. In fact, I don't even know how I unlocked it. Good performance? Notes in a row? Whatever - it gave me something else to briefly look at, at least.
Hands starting to ache from the claw-like grip I needed, I thought I better try out something on the hardest difficulties before I lost the ability to move my fingers. What better choice than Take Me Out?
Which took me out. That's a lot of notes. I can't be doing that.
Final Word
And that was about all I did on Guitar Hero. Half a CDs-worth of songs on a couple of difficulty settings. My hands were starting to ache, the music was interspersed with button clacking and kept dropping out from missed notes... how does anybody like this game for longer than five minutes?
I'm already starting to run out of ways to describe my dislike for rhythm games, and I know there are even more coming up on the 1001 list. On the one hand, I should appreciate how a plastic controller was successfully thrust upon the masses and actually took off. On the other, why? Just why, though? Why do people want this?
Is it the thrill of finally putting your fingers in the right places to make yourself sound just like the artists you admire? Is it the feeling of playing the guitar without actually having to worry about getting an actual guitar? Is it simply better to play Guitar Hero than it is to air guitar along to a CD?
Answers on a postcard. I don't get it. Rock on if you want to, avoid if you don't.
Fun Fact
It wasn't the first game to use a plastic guitar, having been inspired by arcade game Guitar Freaks, but it was the first to bring them into the homes of (seemingly too many) gamers everywhere.
Guitar Hero, developed by Harmonix, first released in 2005.
Version played: PlayStation 2, 2005, via emulation.