That's not a quote from a reviewer up there. That's how Contra 4 welcomes you into the tough-as-nails side-scrolling shooter that is the first portable Contra for more than a decade. It's back with a bang on the Nintendo DS, kicking pushing to the floor and kicking them while they're down - unless you're good enough to actually make it through, of course...
We'll see about that.
Fun Times
I'm emulating Contra 4, and let me tell you right away that this has to be one of the best looking Nintendo DS titles that I can bring to mind right about now. It's bloody brilliant to look at, this. Colours that pop but don't look out of places, levels of detail that you have to squint a bit to see, sure, but are there if you do look for them, and a pace that keeps up with whatever you're doing.
A jump button will get you out of the way of incoming fire, and you'll be returning plenty of your own with the press of the A button. Just hold it down and get running. You can shoot in most of the 8 main directions, and a press of the right shoulder button will stick your soldier in place so you can more easily spin your aim around to deal with threats - providing you're in a safe spot to do so.
Safe spots are all over the place if you're familiar with how the Contra series plays, but if, like me, you continue to lack the skills needed to spot any, you'll likely become aware to a threat by it killing you with its first shot.
Luckily, this is a lovely version of an arcade game classic, so lives and respawns are ten a penny, but where are they represented on the screen?
Armed with a Bionic Commando style grappling hook (though for all I know, this could have been in older Contra games, too), you can zip up to certain grabbables, else find a path to jump or climb up to wherever you need to be.
It doubles in height and becomes twice as aggressive, and not even dangling from a helicopter can save me. I could see some patterns and some ways I should be attacking it, but could I get my fingers and thumbs to work it all out quick enough? No, I could not.
The red bar isn't there in-game. For those of you who don't know, you can increase the distance between the emulation screens, and that usually happens when I figure out that a game takes the gap into account, as Contra 4 does.
You can't quite line up shots with the two screens on top of each other, and enemies will gladly hide in the gap between screens if the situation allows for it, so an artificial gap like this - and a drop in difficulty - is all I needed to get more comfortable with the running and the gunning and the non-stop action.
Enemies flying in from all corners, bridges exploding, hidden turrets catching you out each and every time... Contra 4 is packed with danger, but it does give you lots of weapon choices in the form of pick-ups and power-ups, should you be lucky enough to grab them. Your basic machine gun can be replaced with a shotgun, a laser gun, a rocket and more, just like the Contra games of old.
And like those games of old, it is hard. You've got multiple lives and continues, but I was going through them far faster than was sustainable in the long run. I was always getting caught out by another enemy, always mistiming jumps to avoid shots, always getting myself burnt to a crisp, but I was having some fun simply because of how damn good it all looked.
Maybe that's why I was distracted so much - it looked too nice. I couldn't ignore the graphics, even if they were trying to kill me. Somehow, I made it to the first boss, the familiar wall of death, only this wall has a trick up its sleeve.
Before running out of lives for good, I called time on Contra 4, mostly because the checkpoint wasn't right before the boss, and I'd die just as much on the way here as in the fight itself.
Final Word
"It's hard" would make for an appropriate use of the 'Frustration' heading, but in truth, I wasn't frustrated by Contra 4. I was never expecting to be good at it to begin with, and while I'd love to be able to see much more of the game, I'm happy knowing that without an awful lot of assistance and effort, I won't be able to do so.
A YouTube run-through clocks in at three-quarters of an hour, but multiple difficulty levels and characters can see you run through the game again and again, and with bonus content for fans to have a look at, Contra 4 is an appealing title for the right kind of person.
If it were far more accessible, it'd shoot right up my favourite DS games list, but at the same time, it wouldn't be Contra anymore.
I'd recommend watching it at the very least because it does look amazing. It's slick to play too, though only you will know whether you've got a chance of making any sort of progress through it.
Fun Facts
If you do manage to complete the arcade mode, a challenge mode opens up with 40 more things to do before/while you die to yet another hidden bloody turret.
Contra 4, developed by WayForward Technologies, first released in 2007.
Version played: Nintendo DS, 2007, via emulation.
Version watched: Nintendo DS, 2007 (SaikyoMog)