NHL 10

TF is a Deke?

Source // PlayStation

Here's how much interest I have in Ice Hockey: I've just had to delete my entire opening paragraph about demo discs because I had forgotten that this very 1001 list introduced us to NHL Hockey way back on the Sega Mega Drive.

Back then, I fumbled my way through a game against the Italians, who haven't seen ice in their lives, as the Canadians, who come out of the womb with a natural understanding of what a puck even is. Couldn't tell you how I won, but I can tell you that I've not played nor watched Ice Hockey since.

But here we are again, some twenty years later with NHL 10, the latest (at the time of the 1001 list, of course) offering from EA Sports, and you know what that means - the menus will look pretty much the same as FIFA and NFL, the modes will be the same, the names on the back of the shirts will be correct, and I'll have no chance.

Can't wait.

Source // PlayStation

Frustrations

I played NHL 10 on the PlayStation 3, where it immediately asks you for your name to create your own (Canadian) ice hockey player and then dumps you on the ice for some practice drills to introduce you to how to control it yourself.

This was the age of video gaming where the right analogue stick had to do something, so shots are performed by either nudging the stick up or pulling down on the stick and then thrusting it forward. You can guess which action gives more power to your shot, right? So far, so simple.

Source // PlayStation

After a few simple controls come the more situational ones, including how to shove your opponent into the walls and nick the puck out from beneath them. Holding triangle, nudging R1, flicking the right stick... This may have been a more authentic representation of ice hockey, but to know what buttons to press and when requires a lot more than a one-and-done prove you've understood it tutorial.

Source // MobyGames

The nonsense continues with the final tutorial, fighting, because that's just what happens in ice hockey. It's now in first-person, meaning you need to duck and bob with the left stick, and wind back and punch your opponent's stupid bloody face with the right stick.

Fight Night it ain't, thankfully, but it feels terrible, and not in the sense of "Why am I beating this guy up as part of a sporting event?" but in the sense of "I can't get on board with these controls at all."

Source // PlayStation

That was the tutorial, though, and seeing as it started with the creation of a professional (insert laugh here) skater, it made sense that I dove into the Be A Pro mode. I could focus on just one player, me, and see what happens.

First up was a match of hopefuls looking for a new team. Do well here and you'll be drafted by a good team. Do poorly, and you won't. Simple, sets the benchmark, what's the worst that could happen?

A lot of things, as it happens. I still cannot tell you what Icing is, but I know it happens a lot. Offsides get in the way too, but what got me riled up the most were the faceoffs, which came around seemingly because the goalies kept sitting on the puck and refusing to do anything with it.

The ref drops the puck between two players, and I was always chosen for my team of newbies, and without fail, I would watch the opponent sweep it away and into their team's possession.

Source // PlayStation

What would follow is a sprint towards whoever had the puck, thankfully marked with a glowing ring that you can keep track of much more easily than the puck itself, and the next round of wondering just what buttons NHL 10 wants me to press to remain authentic to the sport.

You could do it old school and body check your opponent, but that doesn't seem to be terribly effective. There's a button to nudge your stick in the vague direction of the puck, but by the time I pressed it and my stick moved, the puck was on the other side of the rink, or something had happened that resulted in yet another bloody faceoff.

Source // PlayStation

I had automatic substitutions on, so at some point, I found myself on the sidelines watching the action, which is inevitably when my team would score. You can jab the circle button to call someone over and swap back in, but if they're doing such a good job without me, why would I?

A 2-1 win (and typically, I was somehow involved in the one goal that went against us) meant good things for my hopes of being drafted. Probably. As the list of teams went on, I was thinking of poor Tom Brady, famously picked rather late in the day, but look at him now. In a much better sport and very wealthy. Would I have the same fate?

16th pick and I'm heading to the Los Angeles Kings. I've no idea who they are.

Source // PlayStation

My first game is against the Coyotes - still no idea - and it goes about as well as you could imagine - I wander around the ice not knowing what to do, every single shot I take bounces off the goalie and usually results in a bloody faceoff, and we go two goals down in the first half(?), presumably because of my poor positioning, or simply being on the ice in the first place.

Source // PlayStation

I am naturally playing on Rookie difficulty, even with some of the rules turned off, but the sport is so unlike anything else that I have reference to that I just can't get on top of it, and so can't make anything interesting happen, on either attack or defence, and so end up utterly wasting my time in a game that should make me feel like an unstoppable Canadian.

Final Word

I quit before my first game for Kings even finishes and have no desire to try my hand at NHL 10 again. I'm sure it is a faithful adaptation of the sport that fans can get behind, but if you're alien to the sport in the first place, you're going to have a tough time.

Can I call it FIFA on ice? EA Sports have quite the habit of making everything look the same so that they can crank out a new version every year, and it's in full swing by the time of NHL 10. New features include all that board barging stuff, as well as something called 'Spectacular Goals'. If there's a feature that would allow me to score a goal, I'd be happy.

I'm clearly not the kind of person you want reviewing NHL 10, or any other ice hockey game, I guess. You'll know if you're interested in it or not without me telling you about my failures with it.

Fun Facts

While player likenesses and licensing aren't as nailed down as that of FIFA and NFL titles, you can still globetrot to multiple leagues to try your hand against all the other countries as insane about ice hockey as the Canadians.

NHL 10, developed by EA Canada, first released in 2009.

Version played: PlayStation 3, 2009.