'What do you get if you cross Advance Wars with Worms?' I hear nobody saying, because as questions go, that's not ranked high on anyone's list. The answer, apparently, is a must-play game called Naked War, where units don't explode and turn into tombstones but instead lose their clothing and run around the map desperately searching for a promotion.
Huh.
Fun Times
Freely available through the developers website, Naked War is the brainchild of the Pickford Brothers, known for other 1001 entries like Plok! and Wetrix. Titles that are on the smaller side, sure, but evidently good enough to impress at least a few folks to put them, and Naked War, on this 1001 list.
Let's hop into a local two-player game on what is basically Wake Island to see how things go down. I'll be playing against myself, which is undeniably stupid, but the reason will be made clear later on.
Yeah, I know. I've no idea what a 'Doofer' is either, but each of our units has one, and if the enemy grabs them all, we're done for. It amounts to killing an enemy, basically, but you're not out of the game if your doofer has been captured. You're just running around with the breeze between your legs.
Before each turn, you're shown the latest stats of your units. How much healthy they've got, what rank they are, how many attacks they can take. Each turn - through rules I'm not familiar with - various bars inch up and unlock extra attacks or movement range (?), so your turns will be affected by whatever this screen is telling you.
On your turn, you'll be programming your units to engage in whatever it is you want them to do, providing they're capable of doing it. You can run them across the map, having them pick up and use items, hop into vehicles. Each step of programming will then be enacted in order when you decide to finish your turn. All your units first actions will take place at the same time, then all your second actions, then your third actions, if any, and so on.
As turns go by, tanks are hopped into, helicopters are piloted and unknown progress bars progress towards something or other, Naked War evolves into a tactical puzzle where you plot out the best course of action for that one turn. Do you focus fire on one enemy, or spread out and set yourself up in strong locations? Do you go nuts in search of your first doofer and rain down shell after shell upon Private Emily?
If it works, why not?
Frustrations
It did work. There's Emily in her underwear. She can still run around and whatnot, but she won't be too useful until she finds some replacement clothing, or manages to hop into a vehicle to restore her health, or perhaps other options that I'm not at all familiar with, such as item drops.
But I've got a bit of a problem in this game, against myself. I'm going to go round in circles as I plot the best course of action for each team, no? I've got to focus on one side and make the others look like blithering idiots for the sake of the game.
Sorry, lads.
That's not a badly timed screenshot, that is the victory message. You are success. Naked War is full of it. That's it's thing, being silly. Soldiers losing their clothing. Cartoon bobble-headed characters with heavily accented dialogue, overly iOS-y icons.
The more I played Naked War, the less I wanted to play it. That's partly down to the way it looks, that's partly down to me being a grump, and that's partly down to me playing it incorrectly. What's the correct way to play Naked War, you ask? Against another person, obviously, but there's more to it than that.
Naked War is played over email. You construct your turns and chuck them onto the net for your opponent to eventually get around to opening, watching, responding to, and sending their moves back in your direction.
That's bold, for a video game. I don't know whether this is the first instance of a video game doing that - players can be pretty creative when they're determined to play a game - but it sounds like it's the first instance of a video game developer doing that.
Does it work? I was very tempted to try, even between two of my own accounts, but let's face it: in a world where I don't want faff, that sounds very faffy.
Final Word
After 40 minutes of battling it out amongst myself (I'm surprised too), I had seen all I wanted to see of Naked War, and most definitely did not see it at its best.
Could I imagine having a good time with it? Yeah, because imagining is easy. Will I actually bother to play it over email, or with another player locally? No. It just doesn't do it for me. It's definitely has a little bit of Advance Wars and a little bit of Worms, but I'd rather play either of those, rather than both them.
The controls are fine, the presentation isn't my thing, there's definitely a game to be found and enjoyed here if you like the idea of it. But I'm not so keen, so that's that.
Fun Facts
Getting bored waiting for your opponent to shoot you an email? Design your own maps in the map editor.
Naked War, developed by Zee-3, first released in 2006.
Version played: PC, 2006.