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| Source // Nintendo |
"You are here because the Wii is about to launch with a new Zelda title. It's motion controls perfected, it's art style more to your liking."
"Bullshit."
"Denial is the most predictable of all human response. But, rest assured, this will be the tenth time we have made a Zelda title worthy of this 1001 list, and we have become exceedingly efficient at it."
I don't know why that popped into my head. Maybe I want to talk about anything other than The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess right about now, the return to its action-adventure roots with a grown-up lead character controlled with a waggle stick...
Spoilers?
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| Source // Nintendo |
Fond(?) Memories
A long time ago, when Let's Plays were all the rage, each video confined to YouTube's 11-minute duration, I thought I ought to watch some Zelda games in action. I was never going to play them, I know a lot a people go mad for them, I should at least have a look at why.
One of those LPs must have been Twilight Princess, but for the life of me, I have forgotten everything about it. Was it bland? Did it blur into all the others? What did it even look like?
The game was released for the brand new Nintendo Wii - I know that much, mostly because I'm looking at the disc right now - so it would have had a control gimmick, but what was the story propped up on? What was the twilight bit about?
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| Source // Nintendo |
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| Source // Nintendo |
Frustrations
As I say, I have the pleasure of owning the Wii version of Twilight Princess, though where from I'm not entirely sure. I avoided the Wii like the plague, having no desire to waggle my way through games, even those themed on sports. But here I am, with a disc that needs to be played.
For the sake of screenshots, I started with emulation, but Wii discs can't be read by this computer, so that was out. I'd have to dust off the Wii (literally), charge some batteries, and point the sensor bar anywhere other than the roof it has slowly been creeping towards as the Blutack beneath it gives up all hope of ever being useful.
Time passes and I'm finally making use of this Wii I picked up from... well, someone has nicknamed it 'Nana', so it's second hand. Anyway, that's not important. What's important is that this guy down here has to blow on some grass to make those two girls up there happy.
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| Source // Nintendo |
I hate this look. The only good thing I've seen in Twilight Princess so far is the horse, and I'm not the biggest fan of horses either. We briefly get to ride the horse, rounding up some goats for practice, before we head home for the night. Tomorrow we'll get a fishing rod (I can't contain my excitement) and deliver something to the Royal Family, all the way in Hyrule. Did I get that right?
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| Source // Nintendo |
The early plot is dull with a capital Boring. That's right, it's Boringdull. Remember when Majora's Mask opened with a video of a spooky little guy knocking Link off his horse, turning him into a Deku Scrub and fleeing? I remember that and I haven't played Majora's Mask since the 1001 post about it. Yeah, alright, it slowed down a little after that, but it was impactful from the start.
How is Twilight Princess impactful from the start? Round up these goats. Buy a slingshot. I won't sell a slingshot until my cat comes back. The cat won't come back home until it has some fish. You're the idiot getting a fishing rod, you get some fish. While you're there, find a baby basket that has floated down the stream. Oh, you'll need to blow on some more grass to summon an eagle to pluck the basket out of a monkey's hands. Don't immediately drop it in the water though, or you're bloody screwed.
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| Source // Nintendo |
To be fair to the Wii, you don't have to hold the Wiimote and nunchuck in any weird position to be able to control Link, but not position I found myself holding them in resulted in Link ever moving where I wanted him to move. I kid you not, it took me seven attempts to climb a single ladder and reaching the top, I instantly walked off the edge and needed to climb it again.
Oh, sure, I was learning how to Z-target, and hop into the first-person view to get a better look at the village, and sticking items on my D-pad to quickly select them. I was also getting used to how the Wiimote pointer works to make the A-button your context-sensitive 'do-stuff' button, but I wasn't 'doing stuff' that was interesting.
Even the fishing was a chore, complete with its motion controls. Everything about Twilight Princess was a faff, everyone in it was a goofy-looking fool, nobody has learned to speak properly yet, and I'm not having fun.
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| Source // Nintendo |
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| Source // Nintendo |
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| Source // Nintendo |
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| Source // Nintendo |
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| Source // Nintendo |
Look, Nintendo, I understand you're all family-friendly and welcoming to players of all capabilities, but for the love of all that is Holy could you give me something interesting to do in the first five minutes of your game?
At this point, I'd even take transforming into a bloody wolf, and I strongly disliked my time with Okami. Understatement, perhaps. But at least being a wolf starts the game rolling at anything other than a snail's pace.
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| Source // Nintendo |
Final Word
It's a Zelda game. Another Zelda game. Not one of the best by a long shot, and even it's blurb in the 1001 list says as much. But it says it in a way that suggests Twilight Princess only fails to shine because so many other Zelda titles (9 others, at least, according to this 1001 list) shine brighter. If part of any other series, it suggests, it'd stand out more.
But it's not part of another series, is it? It's a Zelda game, and we've played 9 of them before. They've varied in terms of fun and style, platform and even developer. They all warrant a look, definitely, as does Twilight Princess, the Zelda title whose sole purpose is to demonstrate how the Wiimote can be used.
What does it do new? That. That's about it. Motion controls. The Zelda formula returns. It's like a big, HD version of Ocarina of Time, only without the charm. And what's with the awful sound effects coming from the Wiimote? Is my speaker broken?
There is the slimmest of chances that I will replay this, perhaps the GameCube version, perhaps with a controller and not a Wiimote, but because of that dull start and the lack of memories it has made in my brain, I doubt that I'll get around to it anywhere outside of YouTube.
If some of the previous entries in the series that feature on this 1001 list got me thinking that I might turn my non-playing of Zelda around, Twilight Princess does the opposite. Twilight Princess just doesn't inspire me, and this from a company all about making players go wide-eyed at the wonders of video games.
Fun Facts
Director Eiji Aonuma had a dream he was a caged wolf, and upon waking up spent some time confused and disorientated, wondering where he was. And that's how the idea of Link turning into a wolf came to be.
The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, developed by Nintendo EAD, first released in 2006.
Version played: Wii, 2006.