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| Source // PlayStation |
I am not a fan of boxing. Never have been, likely never will be. You might think that strange, given I am a lapsed wrasslin' fan, perhaps. It just doesn't appeal, no matter how sweaty and bloody EA can make their athlete models in Fight Night Round 3.
The game is simple: one vs one punch 'em up. But we're on shiny new consoles, and that means ridiculous control schemes to mimic the brutal reality of the sport. It means HD textures showing every cut and bruise. It means making this round the final round, the definitive round, the only round worth talking about.
Until the next one, of course.
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| Source // PlayStation |
Frustrations
I'm playing the PlayStation 3 port of Fight Night Round 3, released a good few months after every other console, presumably because EA was trying to work out how to get the Cell Processor to display beads of sweat.
They really want you to thing Round 3 looks as flashy as that image there. The glow of the lights, the glistening of the sweat, the swelling of beaten up skin... Round 3 isn't a boxing game, it's a showpiece. You don't play it, you watch it, and to reinforce that feeling, you're not going to be seeing any HUD to help you out.
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| Source // Moby Games |
No, what you get instead is a view like this, only it starts in a grubby boxing club in front of middle-aged men, instead of Vegas. Two boxers and some audio cues that are supposed to give you a sense of where you are in the ring or how beat up you are. I wasn't really following - not that the game really told me anything.
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| Source // Moby Games |
The Career Mode has you either create a new boxer or take a real one through the grinder all over again. Creating a boxer is a pain in the arse, every new haircut or skin colour taking an eternity to load in. You need to put in an application to change how heavy you are, and good luck if you want to change the shape of your head.
Eventually, you'll be able to sign a fight contract, and once you do you'll have a training session with whomever you can afford to boost your stats a little. Power, speed, agility, recovery, and so on. Everything is important, but some things are favoured. I favour speed, generally, and get into a training session against a dummy torso to get a feel for the controls.
I wished I hadn't. Slow and unresponsive is an understatement. I was tasked with punching the dummy in certain locations, which would have been easy if I was playing Tekken, but I'm not. Here in Fight Night Round 3, you're prompted to use the right stick to jab and uppercut your way to a win. How? Very good question.
I waggled, I rolled, I flicked. I got a number of punches in, but they were rarely (if ever) the ones my coach wanted me to perform. It felt absolutely horrible. Thirty seconds later the training finished and that was that. I was apparently ready for a fight.
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| Source // PlayStation |
I was up against a guy who had one previous fight, which he lost. Judging by his animation getting into the ring, he didn't like boxing. He wanted none of it. This fight was forced upon him. I'm not even joking.
The bell goes and we waddle over to the middle of the ring and start slugging it out. Let me tell you, it was like Rock'em Sock'em Robots slapping each other. Utterly dreadful. We both landed hits. Many hits. Many teeny tiny pathetic hits. Never knockout blows. Not in round 1. Not against a literal novice opponent.
Our arms darted from one windup to another, blocking, somehow, but hardly ever at the right time. It was laughable. The art of boxing had been reduced to do children thinking they knew how to box.
Eventually, the round ended, and we retreated to our corners for some pep talk by our coaches. It was motivating for me, I know that much. Then, out of nowhere, a ring girl wearing about as close to nothing as you could get paraded around with a cardboard 'Round 2' sign. In a grubby gym in front of sweaty old fat men. I was floored, not because of how she looked, but that she was there in the first place.
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| Source // PlayStation |
After more waggling to perceivable benefit, I threw in the towel and headed to the Internet to learn more about Fight Night Round 3. Did you know the Career mode is full of product placement and cosmetics that enhance your stats? Why wouldn't it be?
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| Source // Moby Games |
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| Source // Moby Games |
Final Word
I knew, going in, that I wasn't going to be good at Fight Night Round 3. I knew it wouldn't be my thing. When I read about the stick punching gimmick thing, I was reminded of how it worked well in Skate, and how I saw it as revolutionary after (and in direct comparison with) Tony Hawk titles.
But skating I can get my head around. Waggling the stick will generally result in a cool trick, whether I meant for that trick or not. In Fight Night, you need to know exactly how you're waggling, and you need to know how to box.
Spot the opponent's weakness, exploit their open defences, strike hard and fast at the right moment. And on top of all of that, work out if you need to wind up, or rotate the stick, or quickly jab it, and in what direction, and for how long...
I could have looked at the manual, I could have read some guides, I could even have scrolled around the menus some more looking for a tutorial before diving into the career mode. But I didn't. I thought I'd be able to wing it, and oh boy, I could not.
For the time, it looks alright, yeah. It has aged, of course, but if you were a fan of boxing in 2006, Fight Night Round 3 would probably have been great. A little weird, a little different, but still packing a punch, to go for the obvious pun.
To outsiders, though, it's just a mess. Was the PS3 port just broken compared to the others? Do I just not have my head screwed on straight? Reading the write up in the 1001 list, they even say that Round 4 would restrain the ambition and fix the issues that arose from trying to achieve such high goals. Why aren't we playing that, then? Because it wasn't the first? Because wonkier games are better?
You'll already know from the title whether you'll like Fight Night Round 3. To give it some credit though, when it decided to board the realism train, it refused to get off. And I suppose you've really got to see this stick input malarky for yourselves.
I can't for the life of me imagine why I'd try to play it again after actually bothering to learn the controls. I don't even like boxing.
Fun Facts
For more in-your-face action, the PS3 port is the only version with a first-person camera. Could that be all it takes for the controls to click for me? A change in perspective?
Fight Night Round 3, developed by EA Chicago, first released in 2006.
Version played: PlayStation 3, 2007.