"We have discovered a new type of energy pattern that will benefit our economy by +1 percent."
I should have known. Why didn't I think about the title just a little bit harder? Why did it take so long for me to realise that Galactic Civilizations II: Dread Lords was Civilization in space? Well, Alpha Centauri is Civilization in space, but you get the point.
GalCiv II is the next frontier. We've conquered the lands, now we need to conquer the galaxy. Ignore that I've failed in every attempt to win any Civ game, even those not on the 1001 list. We're in space now. More freedom to move around without bumping into a single other alien race, right? Should be a doddle.
Frustrations
Where do you go when faced with a brand new game you know nothing about? The tutorials. After nearly half an hour of video tutorials, I got bored with them and just wanted to play. It's not like I understand most of the concepts in Civ games anyway.
Go with what you know, they say, so I start a new game as the Terrans, experts in diplomacy, for some reason. Not sure about that. Not in 2020... Each species has its own schtick, giving you a starting strategy to go for. Military might? Technological marvels? Trading empire? Trading empire, that sounds alright. That sounds friendly. Let's go with that.
After emerging into the galaxy, we are immediately thrown into a research window where we can check out the tech trees to see what we want to get up to in this galaxy. Being able to speak to our neighbours seems like a good idea, and will only take a matter of weeks to get done. Someone on Earth is rather smart.
As soon as we've picked our first bit of research, we're whisked away to Earth itself.
And here we are. Home. Each planet acts like a city in Civ, I suppose, where you can develop plots of land for the sake of research, farming, entertainment and many more, each giving your species bonuses on the tech tree, or how diplomatic you are, how many people you can support, how much space money you can rake in. There's something for everything, and presumably, everyone. Too much for me, basically.
After accidentally colonizing Mars - no, really, complete accident - I had time to explore Sol. Most of the planets are there. A big old asteroid field is there as well, which we can mine for... reasons...? In a game of Civ, space or not, if there's an automate button, use it. My flagship has an automate button, and my ship then flew out into the galaxy, poor-mans Star Trek-style, looking for things of interest.
It wasn't long before I found some friendly neighbours, too. Not that I understood what they were saying. That was my cue to research the next step of the language tree. More than languages in that tree, though. We'll get there. Start with the simple stuff.
Earth is capable of building ships, so I build a scout, based solely on its description of "I find stuff". Not to spoil the direction that this game will go in, but this scout doesn't only find nothing but does nothing.
You can build or outright buy ships and can customise them to act differently to the stock options, but that was a tutorial video or two that I couldn't be bothered to watch. Is it a cool feature of GalCiv II that I'm missing out on? I've no idea.
Periodically, if you choose to see them, summaries of the state of the galaxy pop into view. We are the most powerful civilization we're aware of, but it's not hard to note that we have 0 military. Absolutely none. I'm not even capable of building offensive ships, and I don't actually know why...
I can research military stuff, though, and thanks to the Terrans being well smart, they can sometimes complete research far ahead of schedule, for no apparent reason. That's fine by me. Research away, folks.
Even though I've never met these fine folks, I've been invited to the galactic united nations, or whatever it's called, to vote on this and that. For some unknown reason, I've actually got quite a bit of clout. Maybe it's the diplomacy stat, or the overwhelming numbers of Terrans on Earth, all desperate to shout their views on... trade routes. Huh. I should probably trade.
As you might have expected, there are sooo many things you can do in GalCiv II that you'll be able to play the game in whatever way you want, and in more detail than you could ever want. Taxes need to be dropped to make people happy.
People love me. I've zero knowledge of what I've done to the economy. I don't know why other species aren't trading with me. I don't know where any of Earth's space money is coming from. Send help.
A mere three months later, it has started to go downhill. I'm not the most powerful civilization anymore. I still don't have any military. This isn't going to end well, and then, out of nowhere, long-thought-dead defences on the Moon sprang into life and needed to be dealt with.
These random events allow you to choose to be good or evil to your own empire, with differing rewards for whatever route you go down. None of the rewards really appealed to me, because I didn't understand the ramifications, so I just went with the descriptive text. And that's how I lose Civ games.
As you fly around the galaxy, you'll see an awful lot of planets listed as 'Uninhabitable', and for obvious reasons. Gas giants. Radioactive wastelands. You get the idea. But with enough research, you can overcome those hurdles and settle wherever you like, growing your empire in whatever way you see fit.
It really helps if you understand what's going on, though. My 'Empire' is all over the place and makes no strategic sense whatsoever. I feel like I'm the dumb AI just going through the motions while someone else has all the fun. Would that change if I watched all the tutorials? Would it change if I actually wanted to grok this game?
I wasn't interested in answering those questions, especially when I noticed the someone would be meeting a victory condition in a thousand weeks. Wait, what? Who are they? What's an ascension victory?
A race I knew nothing about was literally ascending to a higher plane of existence, while I was dicking about with trade routes, wondering why nobody cared about trading back. Researching technology because it was there, not because I knew how to make use of it. Exploring the galaxy with a single ship because I couldn't find anything to do with the other ships.
GalCiv II wasn't entertaining me, and repetitive and stupid random events weren't swaying my views.
Har har, it's pokemon, see? This wasn't the moment where GalCiv II turned interesting. It was the moment I gave up with it. It's a silly little throwaway random event, but it's so on the nose it's making my eyes water. With an unknown race already on the path to victory and with no idea how this game works, I try to make my own fun: By going to war.
But I've got 0 military. ZERO. Because I don't know why militaries come from. Through a sheer fluke, I get another species caught up in the fight, who join my 'efforts' in taking on the might of whoever it is that I'm facing.
The only thing they can do to me, however, is camp outside Earth and instantly destroy any trading ship in sight. The trade ships come from thin air and are automated, so each and every turn I had to watch a trade ship blow up until I closed off the route, and which point my opponents flew off in search of something else to swat... giving a perfect opportunity to reopen the trade routes.
In the midst of 'war', disease sweeps through the galaxy, requiring everyone to research a cure. Being the smartypants I am, I do so in short order - and develop a cure for the plague that follows a few weeks later - and get around to giving it away to my allies. Except they're not strictly allies because I don't know how to form alliances, and I really could be getting something out of this deal but I literally don't know what any of this crap is.
I cannot emphasise how little I know about wat's going on in GalCiv II. It's like I'm struggling to read an alien language.
The game, of course, kept churning on, and all I resorted to doing was clicking 'Turn' to end my turn. There was no point in striving for another form of victory because I understood nothing about any of them. And besides, someone on the other side of the galaxy was about to ascend to a higher plane of existence anyway, so why bother.
I was the most beloved leader in the galaxy, but utterly clueless as to what direction to point anything in my 'empire'. Nothing was fun. Nothing was interesting. It felt like a chore that I just wanted to end already.
Then someone, somewhere, just happened to find me a Ranger.
This screen shows the Ranger in all its glory. I only know that after the fact. While playing, I didn't know this Ranger was a) an actual ship and b) actually here in front of my face. That's how little I cared about what was going on.
But not long later, this message flashed up on the screen.
What the fuck? We have a military rating of 203? Ten seconds ago I had a military rating of 0. What in the shit happened to get me a military rating of 203?
Turns out, of course, it was this Ranger thing. It must be. That's all that happened in the latter stages of my 'game'. Oh, what is going on here?
Yeah, yeah, we lost, that was always going to happen, but this military graph... I ended with the strongest military, after having 0 military for 99% of the game. What on Earth is going on in GalCiv II?
Final Word
I don't know and I don't care. I uninstalled it after this game. I've no time for spending two hours losing a game. "Well, learn how to play it then". Good point. But I don't care about GalCiv II. It's not the best of presentations, it looks a bit dated, and there's just too much going on under the hood for me to get my tiny, stupid head around.
Is there a good game here? For Civ players, yes, sure. Civ in space, but not Alpha Centauri. Who wouldn't want to create a galactic civilization if they're bored of Earthly civilizations? I want to create a galactic civilization, but I want a bloody chance at success without having to study for a few hours beforehand. Is that too much to ask?
If you're a fan of Civ games and haven't ventured outside of the Civ series, then poke a nose into the GalCiv series. It's more of what you love, but in space, and different. Maybe too different, though? Maybe that's why I don't favour it. Does it need a little polish or a new coat of paint for me to like it, or am I just doomed to not get Civ games?
Fun Facts
GalCiv II arrived with no DRM. Players who activated the product with a serial number would get game updates, but those who didn't, or couldn't, wouldn't. The contents of the disc had no copy protection at all, and you didn't need the disc in the drive to play the game. Someone at DRM developer StarForce didn't like this, publically linking people to torrents of GalCiv II, presumably in an attempt to hurt sales and help prove a point that DRM is necessary.
Galactic Civilizations II: Dread Lords, developed by Stardock, first released in 2006.
Version played: Galactic Civilizations II: Ultimate Edition, PC, 2008.